I have discovered the most powerful tool on the entire internet, and I would like to share it with all of you. It’s simple, but yet so profound. It’s a genius maneuver, but even the most simpleton in the land of virtual empowerment, arrogance and vitriol and can operate it. SCROLL ON. Yes, yes…. You can have this fabulous power that the internet and social media insiders have kept secret for so long. By combining the reflexes and neurological responses with actual brainwaves, I’ve formulated what many have described as revolutionary. For the small price equal to a daily cup of coffee, you, too, can have this extraordinary response called SCROLL ON.
Sounds like an info-mercial, right? And I’m only charging the equivalent of a steaming hot caffeine-loaded java. All I need is Sally Struthers or Tom Selleck to forget flashing images of homeless animals or hawking mortgages on old people and start promoting my latest discovery.
Yes, SCROLL ON is what I’m calling my latest craze. Oh, it’s nothing new per se, but it’s something that apparently 99.99999% of the internet has forgotten how to do. It’s can be as simple as moving your mouse if you are sitting at a PC. It’s as lightweight as sweeping your finger over the pad on your Mac if you’re lucky enough to own one. It’s as low calorie burning as moving your thumb up if you happen to be holding an iPhone or Android. And you don’t even have to pay a six month membership fee to participate.
Act now and it comes with a full guarantee of social media peace. Why wait? What’s holding you back from taking advantage of this offer?
“But wait, Johnson. You just don’t understand. There’s this guy I know. I mean, I sort of know him. He “friended” me on Facebook and I accepted the request because I’m a friendly person, right? He posted a political rant that is so whacked out it makes a Charlie Sheen’s coke binge look like a quilt knitting party in Mother Teresa’s tea room. I’ve been sitting here for 23 minutes with my fingers just itching to respond to this guy. I’ve carefully crafted a sentence or three that lets everyone know what a political mastermind I have become since my not so glorious high school days. I’ve edited my response five times now. Gotten it just right. Deleted what my pastor might read. Said just enough to prove how well read and highly informed I am from all of my Google research. At the same time I made him look like a horse’s south end.”
I got your back, Keyboard Warrior. SCROLL ON.
“Hang on a minute, Tom. Let me tell you about this woman. There’s this lady that posts pictures of herself every single day. There’s the picture in the mirror post. There’s the duck lip post. There’s the look over the shoulder post. There’s the bikini pic in the exotic tropical location post. And trust me, the bikini picture should have been deleted 30 pounds ago. Everyone has said, ’you go, girl’ repeatedly and told her how pretty she is at least 43 times. We all have commented on her awesome travel schedule and her cute new hair cut, but after awhile you just run dry at the bragging distillery. I really want to comment on her post that the Honey Bun Boy has called from the Pastry Convention and wants his muffin top back so I can watch the supersonic meltdown. And YES, I’ll get to see the meltdown because it will be posted!”
Hey, hey, hey, Little Debbie. Relax. Don’t go searching for your anxiety meds. It’s a simple procedure. SCROLL ON.
‘Wait one minute, bruh. There’s this one woman that posts her family business on social media and it causes major keyboard fighting. And it’s monthly. Sometimes weekly. You haven’t seen fighting like this since the “Angry Cheating Husbands vs. Militant Housewives” episode of the Jerry Springer show. Once the posting drama is initiated, all cousins, sons-in-law, uncles, step sisters and anyone formally related by “the sham of a marriage Aunt Elsie had” joins in on the Defcon 5 level brawl. The typical responders in this verbal carnage include Bobby Lee, Uncle Benny, Terry Ray, Nacho, and Sharon Jo (aka “Mama bear that will protect her cubs). And last but certainly not least is Milk Dud. God bless Milk Dud because he’s always trying to play peacemaker in these altercations. He has a good heart but spelling ain’t one of his stronger points. Do you mean I’ve got to SCROLL ON when I see this?”
Heck, no!!! We all love a good Facebook fight! Grab the popcorn, get your reading glasses, and settle in for the night. There’s no telling what embarrassing dirty laundry will be aired that will bring shame and dysfunction for generations to come. You won’t want to miss season three when they discuss Nacho being behind on child support and his ex, Darlene, is confronted by Bobby Lee’s girlfriend.
JUST KIDDING, people! Facebook fighting is not good. Not good at all. Social media aggressive exchange is much like a horrible train wreck. No matter how gory, awkward, and heavy it becomes, you just can’t seem to turn away from it. But I guarantee you it’s better than the withering selection on Netflix or watching a John Travolta marathon on the TNT channel. The Boy In The Plastic Bubble just doesn’t hold one’s attention like it once did. Face Off is pretty interesting, but then again, there’s Saturday Night Fever. Grab the remote.
But I’ve digressed here. I was telling you all about my wonderful, ingenious, revolutionary idea of SCROLL ON. As Snoop Dogg would say, “Back to the lecture at hand.”
I can just hear Magnum P.I. hyping it up right now – –
But wait! There’s more! Act now and we’ll throw in peace and positivity in your community and your personal space. No more eye rolling at Facebook posts. No more angry political rhetoric. Just SCROLL ON! No more pouting or jealousy or coveting while viewing Facebook posts. Just SCROLL ON! If you can’t be happy for others, Just SCROLL ON! It’s going to be so worth the effort because frankly the internet has become a pretty negative place. If you act now the first 10,000 participants can have all of this for free. Just SCROLL ON!
My Nanna would say long before the internet was ever invented, “If you can’t say something nice about someone, don’t say anything at all.” Think of it this way. The silence of a good SCROLL ON may be the loudest or kindest thing we can ever say on the internet.
And Milk Dud will thank you for it.
